My Land, My Life.....My Future

My name is Shinda Shebaba, and I'm an alcoholic. Well, my name isn't really Shinda, but it's the nickname I liked so of course it never stuck. My real name isn't really relevant, but my story and my journey are, at least to me. I'm creating this blog for me.....so I can trace the steps of this journey I'm embarking on, and if I can help others in the process, all the better.

I'll share more about Me another day. Right now I'd just like to explore my past, my present, and my future in the form of a metaphor.

My life is a piece of land. I'm not sure where the boundaries are, and I'm just now realizing that I don't really know much about it at all. I've spent the past 20 years tromping over the same old small corner of it, and what was once green and fertile is now a barren wasteland. I've mined, burned, trampled, and destroyed it........there is nothing but muck and mire to be sucked down in, and a rusted barbed wire fence surrounds most of it.

I didn't even realize until recently how desolate it had become. Things that happen slowly, over a period of decades, tend to just slip by until one day you wake up. Or you don't, which is what nearly happened to me.

All these years I've lived in fear........fear of what others thought of me, fear of my potential, fear of failure, fear of growth. I hid from the fear by surrounding myself with fun, in the form of alcohol and drugs. I thought myself free.......free of responsibility, free of conforming to what the world expected of me, and free of the bonds of adulthood. I now realize that my "freedom" has been costing me dearly, and I was so blind to it.

I have been extremely lucky, but I've noticed my luck running out. Well, I suppose it hasn't completely abandoned me, for I am lucky enough to have been forced, through circumstance, to re-evaluate my life and the land I've been living and trying to maintain a family's existence on. I'm lucky that I'm not a complete burn-out, that I haven't killed or gotten killed, and that I've found Alcoholics Anonymous in time to turn things around.

So.......I'm seeing now that there is much more to my property. Not only is there more, but it is absolutely beautiful!!! There are trees to climb with my children, streams to skinny dip with my husband in, meadows for all of us to picnic in, and fields to plant and tend our futures in. I've been afraid to leave my little corner of the world, but I've no choice now.......there is nothing left there and I will starve from lack of sustenance and bleed from the bonds of the barbed wire.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared to make the journey, but this beauty was created by God, for me, and it is His intention for me to love it and make the best from it that I can. I've noticed that when I ask directions, somehow I get answers, and my fears are calmed. Odd how God is so silent until you strike up a conversation, but after you've taken that first step and asked for help, you can finally hear His voice and feel His hand. Or Her hand.....the God of my understanding is an entity without boundaries, and my perception often changes. The core belief, though, which is that of a loving God who wants me to grow and become spiritually close, never changes.

I know that now I'm being guided on a new path, away from the desolation, and I'm just beginning to explore the beauty that awaits me on this journey to a sober Being. I never have to walk in the muck again, and eventually my old stomping grounds will grow groundcover and the harsh ugliness will be disguised. I have to always and forever remember one thing........the appearance of my old familiar may change, but it will always be the same. I may one day believe I can step in and explore and walk out with clean boots, but I can't. The weeds and new grass will quickly trample down again, and the next time I might become stuck and not be able to escape. This is the one thing I can never, ever forget.