Who am I???

That's question I find myself asking a lot these days. In simple terms, I'm a 35 year old woman who is just now growing into the person I would like to be. I'm different things to different people.

I'm a wife to Kris, the greatest husband I could ask for. Our 5 year wedding anniversary is April 18, and we've certainly seen our ups and downs, but I think we can each see that the path ahead is one we're both excited to travel together.

I'm Mom to Elise, who will turn 3 in July, and to James, who just turned five months old. They are one of the main reasons I'm on this journey to recovery; I can deal with screwing up my own life, but I absolutely do not want to be responsible for messing up theirs. Growing up in an alcoholic household, with all the accompanying drama and crap, is not acceptable.

I'm an RN who loves her job. Even when I was four years old, I wanted to grow up to be a nurse. My teddy bears were my patients, and since I watched "Emergency" on TV, they had realistic blood pressures. It's a blessing to get paid to do what you love.

I'm a daughter to my mom, the only child of an only child. Over the years, our relationship has been tumultous. We both have a lot of baggage regarding each other, and I hope we can get through it. I love her dearly.

I am all of these, and more. The most important thing, though, is that I'm an alcoholic, and I'm ready to grab ahold of my life and LIVE IT. I'm scared, I'm excited......some days it seems easy, others it's nearly impossibly hard. I was the girl who was never comfortable in her own skin, the one who felt like a social retard. I discovered the lure of alcohol and the sense of (false) security it gave me in those years riddled with teen angst, and I embraced it with wild abandon. I've spent the last 20 years being fun, daring, free, very lucky, and in hindsight, incredibly selfish.

My luck has run out. The disease of alcoholism is finally beginning to show itself for what it truly is.....a progressive malady that ruins lives and tears families apart. I've started attending AA meetings, learning and trying to live the steps, and I now have 31 days sober.

Actually, perhaps my luck hasn't run out.....it got me to the door of the Alano Club just in time.

My Land, My Life.....My Future

My name is Shinda Shebaba, and I'm an alcoholic. Well, my name isn't really Shinda, but it's the nickname I liked so of course it never stuck. My real name isn't really relevant, but my story and my journey are, at least to me. I'm creating this blog for me.....so I can trace the steps of this journey I'm embarking on, and if I can help others in the process, all the better.

I'll share more about Me another day. Right now I'd just like to explore my past, my present, and my future in the form of a metaphor.

My life is a piece of land. I'm not sure where the boundaries are, and I'm just now realizing that I don't really know much about it at all. I've spent the past 20 years tromping over the same old small corner of it, and what was once green and fertile is now a barren wasteland. I've mined, burned, trampled, and destroyed it........there is nothing but muck and mire to be sucked down in, and a rusted barbed wire fence surrounds most of it.

I didn't even realize until recently how desolate it had become. Things that happen slowly, over a period of decades, tend to just slip by until one day you wake up. Or you don't, which is what nearly happened to me.

All these years I've lived in fear........fear of what others thought of me, fear of my potential, fear of failure, fear of growth. I hid from the fear by surrounding myself with fun, in the form of alcohol and drugs. I thought myself free.......free of responsibility, free of conforming to what the world expected of me, and free of the bonds of adulthood. I now realize that my "freedom" has been costing me dearly, and I was so blind to it.

I have been extremely lucky, but I've noticed my luck running out. Well, I suppose it hasn't completely abandoned me, for I am lucky enough to have been forced, through circumstance, to re-evaluate my life and the land I've been living and trying to maintain a family's existence on. I'm lucky that I'm not a complete burn-out, that I haven't killed or gotten killed, and that I've found Alcoholics Anonymous in time to turn things around.

So.......I'm seeing now that there is much more to my property. Not only is there more, but it is absolutely beautiful!!! There are trees to climb with my children, streams to skinny dip with my husband in, meadows for all of us to picnic in, and fields to plant and tend our futures in. I've been afraid to leave my little corner of the world, but I've no choice now.......there is nothing left there and I will starve from lack of sustenance and bleed from the bonds of the barbed wire.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared to make the journey, but this beauty was created by God, for me, and it is His intention for me to love it and make the best from it that I can. I've noticed that when I ask directions, somehow I get answers, and my fears are calmed. Odd how God is so silent until you strike up a conversation, but after you've taken that first step and asked for help, you can finally hear His voice and feel His hand. Or Her hand.....the God of my understanding is an entity without boundaries, and my perception often changes. The core belief, though, which is that of a loving God who wants me to grow and become spiritually close, never changes.

I know that now I'm being guided on a new path, away from the desolation, and I'm just beginning to explore the beauty that awaits me on this journey to a sober Being. I never have to walk in the muck again, and eventually my old stomping grounds will grow groundcover and the harsh ugliness will be disguised. I have to always and forever remember one thing........the appearance of my old familiar may change, but it will always be the same. I may one day believe I can step in and explore and walk out with clean boots, but I can't. The weeds and new grass will quickly trample down again, and the next time I might become stuck and not be able to escape. This is the one thing I can never, ever forget.